Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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