So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
