Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
