you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
