she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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