We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
