One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
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