You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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