Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
im holly from the hills drunk
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
