Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
