I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
