Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
