I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
