Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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