Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
