So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
