just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
