I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
