Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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