Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
