he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
