Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
