Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
