"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
