kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
