I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
