The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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