I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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