I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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