God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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