i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
