He disabled his match.com account in front of me
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
