Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We are all done wearing pants today
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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