I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
