I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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