I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
