I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
