i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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