I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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