Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
