girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
