I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
