this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
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Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
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I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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