i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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