why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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