I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
