People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
