grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
