I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
