Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
