shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
