What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
