I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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