but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
