where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
