my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
