naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
