OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
