Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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