Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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