dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
