I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
