Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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