The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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