if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
